A list

If you have a small dick you better be good at eating pussy

90% of Audi and Bmw drivers will be arrogant fucks

¾ of all lists of petty nuances and quirks will be attributed to George Carlin

Apart from the ones the great man actually said or wrote

The phrase “I’m not racist but …”  will always be followed by something unbelievably racist  

Most people who oppose fox hunting will live in the city

95% of people who type “lol” aren’t really laughing they simply have nothing else to say

Everybody went to school with a smelly kid, if you think you didn’t you were the one who smelled

There is nothing funnier than giving a dog toffee

If you have more than three pet cats you are known as the mad person with all the cats

A dog should never be put into a handbag under any circumstance

99% of people who go on radio quizzes are complete idiots

The good old days were shit

Binge drinking used to be known as “the weekend”

The louder the tie the more boring the person

If you watch Jeremy Kyle you are as bad as the people on there

Every town has a Chinese takeaway that has been rumoured to have closed for being caught serving dog

Americans use the letter Z way too much and the letter U not enough

98% of people have no concept of irony at all

People who can reel off their own mobile phone number are freaks

People who can’t are idiots

You always cringe when a parent sends you a text message in text speak

You are always a little jealous when your parents treat your kids better than they did you as a child

You will never listen to a charity record that you buy more than once

The thought of Snow excites you until you are stuck in traffic in it

If everything in your life is complete you can still moan about the weather

Once a film series gets over two sequels the original is held in high regard

The more you have to dress up for a hen or stag party the worse its going to be

 A quiet night out rarely ends out as planned

And in a totally opposite way the best planned fun is always crap

You can’t tell people to be spontaneous

The Rocky films taught you all you need to know about roman numerals

The English will always prefer a gallant loser to a gloating winner

A man will under go most indignities if he thinks he will get a blow job at the end of it

Tortoises move a lot faster than you think

 You don’t know if Rolf Harris really does drink his own piss but it’s a nice thought anyway

Somebody  doing a loud fart in a public face will always be funny

Once your girlfriend farts in front of you things are never the same

There are two types of people in this world those who piss in the bath and those who lie

Women who think men can’t multitask have never seen a man watch porn and masturbate at the same time

Farting under the duvet and pulling the covers over your partners head is always funny

If you are over forty, male and balding buying a Porsche is not the great idea it sounds like

It doesn’t matter if people are laughing at you or with you as long as they are laughing

Nothing will ever beat a well timed heckle

If you can go into a pub and order the usual you drink too much

A long lasting musical career does not equal talent

A drunk woman singing I will survive on karaoke whilst crying is a monumental sight

The Beatles are dying in totally the wrong order

The more you pay for a haircut the worse it normally looks

Anyone who stirs paint with a screwdriver should be banned from diy

The more elaborate a powerpoint presentation is the less substance it has

The combover is more of a work of art than a hairstyle

Every man has shaved his stubble into a Hitler tache at one point

Every person with more than 200 cds owns at least one U2 album

The person who forwards the most “funny” emails around the office is the one with the least friends

People with Jesus fish stickers on their cars are always terrible drivers

97% of men would like a pet monkey

If you fart while on your own you have to sniff it by wafting it with your hand

Nobody likes their passport photo

Most people would give their right leg to sleep with Heather Mills

Everybody knew somebody who’s dad had a Cortina

Everything is better with Bacon

People who claim to be Vegetarian but eat fish/chicken are idiots

There is nothing fun about fun runs

To survive a bear attack you only have to be able to run faster than someone else in your party

You are always disappointed when nobody speaks up at the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part at a wedding

The uglier the bride the worse the bridesmaid dress

Ugly couples have more children

This number will always make you giggle

Facebook allows you to speak to people you have happily avoided for years

The customer is seldom right

Just because its popular doesn’t mean its good

Super Noodles are average at best

All you can eat isn’t a target

Regardless of all the health warnings people will eat junkfood as long as it tastes nice

Anyone who can tell you what the 13^th  letter of the alphabet  without running through it and checking shouldn’t be trusted

You have just checked, haven’t you?

Nine times out of ten the comments on youtube are better than the videos

If you can get a five star score on guitar hero you will contemplate learning to play a real guitar

Don’t trust people who can’t drive

The more sexual prowess people claim to have the less they really have

The closer you live to a border the more important it is as to what side you are on

When Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and David Blunkett had meetings the functioning eye to person ratio was 1:1

Being famous does not mean your opinion matters anymore than anyone else’s

Daniel Day Lewis may be a great actor but most people will rather watch American Pie than any of his “amazing” performances

Any film over two hours long is normally over blown

Double albums are mostly shit

There are exceptions to every rule

The more original band members you lose the worse the output

Tribute acts fall into two categories looking like them and sounding shit or looking nothing like them and sounding alright

Reunion tours should include nothing less than a full line up

No conversation should ever start a/s/l?

The more question marks the more pointless the question

Exclamation marks should only ever be used when absolutely necessary

Making friends at school isn’t important you never keep in touch anyway

Most of the stuff you learn at school is of no use at all

The more a person claims to be able to drink the more likely they will be a three pint wonder

Claiming to have never read a book is not a good thing

Not remembering your wife’s birthday but knowing the  starting line up of the 1986 Liverpool squad is not a good thing

 All good lists end on an even number