The Ballad Of The Conceptual Depressive

People think I’m miserable, I suppose to a certain extent it’s true. I do moan about a lot of things, mostly it’s just trivial stuff, things of no great consequence in the long run of our short little lives.

And our lives are short people, and that my friends is why I bitch, whine and moan about the little things that bug me in the world.

 

I don’t agree with the people who say its too short though, “life’s too short to be miserable” Well if I live to be eighty fucking twelve and end up pissing in my pants, not being able to walk, not being able to see, being bat shit mental life is going to seem maybe a bit too fucking long, I’d rather die in my prime, well maybe a little past my prime but you know long before the rot sets in.

 

People put so much importance on such stupid things “this isn’t the coffee I ordered” Shut the fuck up, it’s a cup of coffee, the world is still spinning and there are people in the world with no clean drinking water let alone some poncey overly complicated overly priced cup of fucking coffee.

Does anyone else like to go into places like Starbucks and just ask for a cup of coffee? Really messes with them and their stupid self important system.

 

Anyway there are people in the world who have to walk miles just to get water, and that’s a terrible thing, it really is. I’m not one of those do gooders who come begging for money mind, why don’t they move closer to the water source? Isn’t that logical? I can’t be the only one who sits shouting at the television “Move house you dumb motherfuckers”

 

Its not like they have prime real estate as it is, they have no windows, they don’t admire the view and how much trouble would it be to build a new mud hut a mile down the road?

 

“this is Carmekka, she doesn’t know how to feed her 8 children …. Maybe, just maybe mind she shouldn’t have so many fucking kids then?

 

I know there isn’t a lot to do out there but maybe a bit of mutual masturbation; bit of oral hell even anal would have been a better idea than dropping that many kids when there is a famine going on.

 

Now don’t get me wrong I’m all for helping people, Drop the debt and all that but Jesus don’t you think they should help themselves a little as well? Cut back on the breeding and move huts it’s not a solution by any means but its going to help and a lot more than holding a concert hosted by that self important scruffy Irish twat.

 

There is another one who needed to stop breeding , I’m sick of the endless line of “famous” brats who think because their parents had an iota of talent they have the right to cash in on it. Peaches fucking Geldolf bitch can’t do anything, if her dad was anyone else she would be just another failed art student working at a supermarket and unlike the Osbourne’s her dad was shit and still is shit. The Boomtown rats fucks sake their biggest gig was live aid and if any other fucker had ran the show would they have been booked?

 

Ok who have we got .. Dire Straits, Black Sabbath, We are highlighting poverty by flying Phil Collins across the world to play twice, the boomtown rats, Status Quo, U2 ..

 

Wooo back up The boomtown rats? The I don’t like Monday’s bunch? The chandelier saxophone bunch? They were a shit band with what, two? ok at best songs. Having them play live aid is the second biggest ego stroke ever, having them play again twenty years later, is the biggest ego wank ever because the cocksucker was more self aware, that fist in the air drawn out silence that went on way too fucking long, the scabby white suit all had nothing to do with charity and everything about him and his desire to be heard.

 

It also infuriates me to be told to donate to charity by millionaires, put your hands in your own pockets first you hypocritical mother fuckers and its not just live aid, or live 8 it’s all of these televised events. Terry Wogan gets paid to ask us to donate our money? How does that work? How about you don’t put the shitfest out, save his fee and donate that instead?

 

Same with charity records, they are always shit, always without fail, there is no exception to this rule so stop trying to think of one.

Rather than pay 97p to hear a bunch of talentless wanna be’s off the x factor wail their way through a song, give say £1.50 to the charity and don’t inflict this shit on the world. You are never going to listen to the fucking thing anyway.

 

Here is a little thought to end on, the x factor has been going for how long now? Best part of a decade .. why doesn’t anyone who comes runner up reenter the contest?

Surely if they finish say, third one year technically they should win the next? As the second placed person always gets a contract anyway, rendering the first “prize” void.

Surely the longer this shower of shit goes on the less chance there is of finding any new talent leaving them with the scum they skimmed off the year before?

 

Its just a thought.

Horror Movie Rule, Regulations and Survival tips

1. Zombies do not run
2. Zombies Do Not Run
3. Zombies do not speak
4. The only way to kill a zombie is to remove the head or destroy the brain
5. The brighter the blood the better the film
6. People infected with the rage virus are not zombies (see rules 1&2)
7. Most of the jokes in Shaun of the Dead are amazingly subtle
8. Frankenstein was the doctor not the creature
9. Stereo is an acceptable method of vampire killing
10. If John says that any bullet will kill a werewolf it is good enough for me
11. A good killer can use anything to kill you, Jason has used a belt tightened over someone’s head, can you do that?
12. The more sequels that are made …. the messier the plot line gets
13. …The less frightening the killer becomes
14. …The more elaborate the killings will be
15. …The kids will become sassier and wiser to the killer but still die anyway
16.  The ultimate running time for a horror movie is 90 minutes
17. Or less
18. Apart from Romero
19. Tony Todd may be a bit camp but the motherfucker is made out of Bees and has a crowbar for a hand
20. Never pick up a hitchhiker in Texas
21. Or anywhere else really, they will bring about your death
22. If you awaken in a strange house surrounded by freaks, running full tilt out of a second storey window is a perfectly acceptable means of escape
23. Leatherface is the most normal member of the family
24.  Listen to your children if they say they see dead people, their new doll is talking to them or if there is a creepy old burnt dude with knives for fingers in their dreams don’t just ignore them.
25. Stephen King can make anything scary
26. But it will be set in maine
27. Anybody who is scared of clowns will blame Mr King and IT
28. Pennywise the clown is Tim Curry’ finest moment
29. Carrie didn’t need a sequel
30. Nor did Scream
31. Or 28 Days Later
32. Or Saw
33. Or Blair Witch
34. Or the Omen
35. Or The Exorcist
36. Or Psycho
37. Remakes are never any good
38. No really, NEVER
39. Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates? What idiot cast that?
40. If you are (un)lucky enough to survive a Plane/Car crash and are young and good looking be prepared to die in an amazingly over the top and complicated fashion
41. The Shining is so much more than Jack Nicholson grinning through a door
42. Bogeyman is the single worst horror movie ever made
43. yes worse than Children of the living dead
44. Abbot Hayes is awesome
45. Tom Savini can do no wrong  
46. The majority of the video nasties are terrible, terrible films.
47. No matter how many times you see it you can never … get your head around a zombie fighting with a shark
48.  ….. Not wince at the splinter in the eyeball bit
49. … Not laugh at the flat headed zombie getting his head sliced by the helicopter
50. ….Not wonder how great Frank must be in bed for her to still want him despite him having no skin
51. … Not think that pinhead is one of the most wasted characters ever
52. Vampires shouldn’t hiss it looks and sounds stupid
53. All late seventies/early eighties Italian horrors are worth watching at least once
54. The Washing Machine wins the award for the weirdest horror film ever
55. After watching the Birds you never look at a flock the same way again
56. Cheap horror can be a thing of beauty and excellence
57. Peter Jackson should go back to his roots
58. So should Sam Rami
59. Any right minded individual would just outright refuse to be killed by a small ginger doll
60. Twist endings are over done
61. So is faux irony
62. The killer never dies first time around
63. The jock will always die
64. And the cheerleader
65. So will the black kid
66. Apart from in Romero films
67. Scary Movies devotion to Horror film parody is so complete even the sequels are shit, cheap cash ins
68. Hostel only works because deep down you believe that there are places like that in the real world
69. My Little Eye is an underappreciated classic and a film that dvd extras and easter eggs are perfect for
70. Every time you see a short elderly woman you hear “Carol Anne” in a high pitched voice
71. The best thing about Jason goes to hell are the final 5 seconds
72. The final 5 seconds are ruined by how gash Freddy Vs Jason really is
73. Freddy Vs Jason Vs Ash is a brilliant comic series but would fail as a film on an epic scale
74. More films need the main character cutting their own hand off and the attaching a chainsaw to  the stump
75. Deadites are not zombies the best thing I can think of to describe them are ghouls
76. Without Loomis Halloween means nothing
77. Explaining the killers backstory too in depth can weaken the plot beyond repair
78. Zombie children are scary
79. The zombie baby was super lame
80. Romero has the ability to capture an important social issue and scare/entertain at the same time
81. The ending to Carrie will always make you jump
82. You didn’t see her mum hid behind the door first time around
83. Once you have seen the subliminal shots in the exorcist you’ll never miss them again
84. The true classics of the genre should always be viewed with the time of production in mind, watching the exorcist with your post ironic hipster head on is stupid
85. Christopher Lee will always be Dracula
86. more people should watch the Wicker Man
87. No, not the Nicholas Cage one, the fewer people who see that the better
88. American Werewolf in London is an awesome film
89. American Werewolf in Paris is not
90.  Michael Myers should never be confused with mike Myers
91. Wes Cravens New Nightmare may only be a 15 rated film but it works a lot better than most of the other nightmares
92. Jeepers Creepers is stupid even by horror movie standards
93. If they had simply followed the river in Blair Witch they should have been alright
94. But the ending was perfect
95. Cannibal Holocaust will shock you the first time you see it
96. after that its still not exactly a giggle fest
97. The video nasty list is best viewed as a shopping list
98. Don’t go and see what that noise was
99. Don’t go into the woods, ever.
100. Don’t split up, you should  have learnt this from Scooby Doo
101. Ignore who you first think is the killer its never them
102. Don’t bother calling the police
103. Realising that guns are useless against the supernatural sooner rather than later will save your life
104. Never read out loud the creepy old book you find in the cabin in the woods
105. Never bully anyone, ever.
106. Never visit any small town populated by inbreds
107. Never adopt a child
108. Never put your kid in an asylum
109. Never hide a secret
110. Never tell ghost stories
111. Don’t build a house on an Indian burial ground
112. Don’t let your kid sit too close to the tv
113. Don’t try and solve that weird metal rubix cube thing you find
114. Don’t try and live in the mall
115. Or an underground bunker
116. Never go back and look for someone
117. Make sure you always have a full tank of fuel and a spare tyre
118. Don’t try to reopen a camp that has been closed for years following a death
119. Never stop at a motel
120. Don’t let you eldest son hang out with a group of pretty 80’s teenagers who ride motorbikes
121. Don’t date the posh old bloke from the video store
122. Read the text correctly
123. Never have any sort of transplant
124. Don’t say Candyman three times, that fucker is made out of Bees
125. Don’t watch that video that is rumoured to have killed people
126. Listen to the local mad old fellow
127. Buy a great big dog
128. But shoot it as soon as it even looks like it has rabies
129. Make plans and stick to them, do not take sort cuts or stop off at quaint looking towns
130. Buy knives with flat ends
131. Actually avoid anything sharp
132. Never sleep
133. Never trust anybody to wake you up
134. Never forget that fire will kill pretty much everything
135. And if fire won’t, water is a good alternative
136. Stay away from any chemical plants, there will be a leak resulting in the undead rising
137. Stay well away from little pale girls with long black hair
138. Learn to run in a straight line
139. Maybe get some hurdling practice in to avoid all those logs and tree roots people always trip on
140. Never go into a graveyard
141. Don’t piss off the locals
142. Don’t go into the jungle to make a documentary and then set fire to a tribe
143. Kill yourself as soon as you get bitten by anything
144. Stay away from stoners
145. Never have teenage pre marital sex
146. Probably best to avoid the classy milf who wants to have sex but only in the attic
147. Never try and bargain with a demon it will only end in tears
148. If a Vicar tells you to kill your son, do it quickly
149. Beware the moon
150. Avoid witty one liners, they will be the last thing you ever say
151. If you have any relation, no matter how distant that has killed the rest of the family, move far, far and change your name.
152. If your loved one becomes obsessed with anything to the point of scary lunacy, kill them quick sharp
153. Never go and stay in an empty hotel over the winter
154. Stay away from anyone with black hair wearing a trenchcoat  they are obviously a vampire
155. Anyone with pale blue eyes is a safe bet as well
156.  Always lie about your address that way no one will ever track you down and kill you
157. Never answer the phone
158. Never hang around with a group of 5-6 people with very different backgrounds but one hidden common theme
159. Don’t bother looking for the killer’s body, it won’t be there and its valuable running away time wasted.
160. 80’s heavy metal = sure fire death
161. Never have a party while your parents are away
162. Always carry a mirror around with you, it’s a handy tool for checking for vampires quickly
163. All bats must die
164. If it has been one year exactly since something tragic happened, turn the lights off, lock the door, hide under the bed and pretend no one is home. It might not save you but its got to be worth a go
165. buy a wind up torch this will come in handy during those pesky power cuts/ battery dead moments of death
166. If you run over the killer at least reverse over them to make sure of the job
167. Don’t move into a house where every single previous occupant has died, you will be next
168. Corn fields are to be avoided at all costs
169. Also avoid anywhere that is commonly referred to as “the old  (insert surname) place” Death will follow
170. Pay attention, the clues are always there
171. Don’t ever disrupt a tomb, the dead will come after you
172. If you do ever cross paths with a mummy try and find George of the Jungle he’ll sort them out
173. Always have your local Priests number on speed dial
174. The plot doesn’t have to make sense it’s the body count that is important
175. Get your cast to sign cast iron contracts they may well go on to be a superstar and want to bury your piece of crap film in the future
176. Jason X was a step too far
177. Sometimes its what you don’t see that is scary
178. Once you have seen Omen IV you can never unsee it
179. The difference between Christine and Herbie is minimal
180. A good musical score can save a film
181.  If you aren’t scared by the incredible melting man you damn well should be
182. The best part of final destination was when Stiffler had his head cut off
183. Bruce Willis plays a ghost better than Patrick Swayze did
184. Jamie Lee Curtis cut off Michael Myers head with a fucking axe and they still made another film, that is the power of a good franchise
185. Nightmare on Elm street 2 was the start of the decline
186. Nobody will ever say that Friday 13^th part seven: Jason takes Manhattan is the best one of the series
187. But they will say it is better than both Nine and Ten
188. A sack over the head is the best disguise ever
189. One of the best bits in Scream was when Fonze got killed
190. The tits to kill quota in a good horror movie should be roughly 1:1
191. Carrie is John Travoltas best film, easily
192. Carrie 2: The Rage was nice because you got to see one of the kids from Home Improvements without Tim Allen gurning and grunting like a fool
193.  Jack Nicholson makes a crap Werewolf
194. A good strap line tells you everything you need to know about the film i.e. who will survive and what will be left of them?
195. Also the title will give you a good indicator of the quality, anything with massacre, dead or zombie in the title is normally a winner
196. One notable exception to this is Dead and Rotting
197. Full frontal nudity isn’t a must but is always a nice surprise
198. Apart from maybe in Carrie, that opens like a soft porn film then the shower scene spoils the mood somewhat
199. Bruce Campbell equals win
200. House of 1000 corpses doesn’t really make a lot of sense but Captain Spaulding was great anyway