Todays Gripe

So at work I have this calendar, one of those desk top, day to day ones with a quote and little snippet of pointless information regarding the day.

 

Now the quotes can range from the mundane to the profound to the nonsensically insane, there was one a while back that had something to do with not swatting a bluebottle off your friend’s nose with a rock. I think it’s about trying to help and being heavy handed about it and making things worse or maybe the writer actually did break one of his mate’s nose trying to startle a fly. And it will be a man who has written that hitting a mate in the face with a rock in an effort to make things better just isn’t a female train of thought.

 

So anyway today’s quote, is “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do” now just think about that for a minute

 

“Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do”

 

Isn’t that neat? It strikes you at first with the moral good deed for the day crap and sort of tries to poke you into being a better person, you know helping old ladies across the road, waving at dogs that type of thing.

 

But look closer and you’ll see what it really says is we are all guilty; we’ll never be good enough so why bother. No matter what you do there will be something you didn’t.

 

And that’s how you measure a man, by his failures not his success take Bill Gates, he is a modest man who has brought computing to the masses, gives millions upon millions to charity but he is responsible for Vista so, you know he may as well have invented the Iron Maiden or been Hitler’s best buddy.

Same with Michael Jackson, written and performed so of the greatest music ever brought the moonwalk to the masses but nobody can praise the dude for any of that now, he’s just a creepy looking, possibly child molesting freak.

 

Same way you can bet there will never be a Gary Glitter best of album released.

 

But Pete Townsend is still cool in peoples eyes, that one has been swept right under the carpet, of course he was just doing research  so that’s ok.

 

I mean that is a totally plausible explanation, doing research for a book that still has never seen the light of day.

 

But he was in the Who, still is, half the band are dead of course, why do bands die in totally the wrong order? John not Paul, Kurt not Pat and yes Pat Smear was a member of Nirvana; he played on In Utero and toured with them.  No matter who tells you otherwise they were more than just a three piece and have a closer listen to Nevermind while we are at it, its an average at best album. Not the masterpiece we are told at all, Ten is a better album, Superfuzz Bigmuff even more so. But it had Smells Like Teen Spirit a rebellious anthem on heavy rotation on the most corporate of corporate soulless machines ever Mtv.

 

Because you know the best type of rebellion is the commercial type, the type that everybody follows. You can try and rebel as much as you like just keep spending that cash.

 

Money is a scary thing people will do almost anything for it, a wiseman once said that as soon as you hawk any product you are off the cool list forever. Johnny Rotten has always been a grade A free range top of the range tit, going on I’m a celebrity did him no favours at all, no matter how much he swore on live telly but those butter adverts render him and anything that falls out of his mouth from now until the end of time null and void.

Hairy McFred & The Circus

Narrator- Hairy McFred is a great big man, with a great big beard. A great big ginger beard. Some say that he hides mice in his beard, others say he keeps sandwiches in it for when he’s hungry. The truth is that no one really knows what’s inside his beard. But one thing we do know is that Hairy McFred is a very jolly soul indeed. Wherever he goes, you can hear him walking along, laughing- usually at a joke he has just heard, for example;

Hairy McFred- What’s brown and sticky? A stick! Hoho ho ho ho!

Narrator- So there we have him- Hairy McFred. A bigger, more gentle man you couldn’t wish to meet. One other thing to know about Hairy McFred is that he’s always finding himself in the middle of an unusual adventure. Oh yes, he’s trekked through the jungles of Africa, he’s had tea with the Pope, he’s raced a kangaroo in Australia (he won the race too). Today was going to be no different for Hairy McFred, who was on his way to the shops to buy himself an nice ice cream…

Hairy McFred- Hmm, what flavour shall I have today? Strawberry? Vanilla? Chocolate- oh yes, chocolate. Or, hmm, yes, I could always have meat pie flavoured! I do like meat pie flavoured ice cream. Or stew and dumplings- the best kind of ice cream there is...

HEEELLLPP!

Hairy McFred- Oh dear, It sounds like someone’s in trouble, I’d better see if I can help.

Narrator- So Hairy McFred ran to where he heard the voice, only to see a circus big top! There was chaos, clowns were running around like headless chickens, the high wire troupe had climbed onto the tent to get out of the way, and there was a very startled looking elephant rearing up, and generally looking very unhappy.

Hairy McFred- What’s the problem?

Ringmaster- Our elephant caught sight of a mouse, jumped back, and squashed his trainer completely flat! Now we have a very scared elephant, and no trainer to calm him down! What shall we do?

Narrator- Now, as I’ve already told you, Hairy McFred is no stranger to an adventure, and met a herd of elephants the last time he was in Africa. They’d taught him a little bit of their language, enough, he hoped, to be able to help here, so he cleared his throat;

Hairy McFred- H-HMMM

Narrator- Racked his brains for the right thing to say;

Hairy McFred- errrr

Narrator- And let out an almighty bellow

Hairy McFred- Trumpeting noise

Narrator- Just like that, the elephant stopped it’s frantic trumpeting, stood
od up straight on all four legs, and slowly turned his head. The circus troupe looked on in amazement as he raised his long nose, and actually spoke (in elephant of course) to Hairy McFred.

Narrator- Of course, Hairy McFred wasn’t at all surprised, he’d just asked the elephant if he was ok, and was relieved to hear the elephant reply that yes, he was quite alright actually. He wasn’t particularly scared of mice, but this one had taken him quite by surprise. Now, though, the elephant was very sad indeed that he’d flattened his trainer.

Well, Hairy McFred passed all of this onto the ringmaster, and, with a glint in his eye, asked;

Hairy McFred- Could I join your circus as the elephant trainer for a while please? I’ve always wanted to be part of the circus, and as you can see, I’m very good with elephants indeed

Ringmaster- Why of course you can! Poor old Len there isn’t in much of a state for romping around with old Bertie- well, not until we can think of a way of puffing him back up to his full size again. He’s been squashed quite flat!

Narrator- Well, having forgotten all about his ice cream, Hairy McFred rushed home to pack some spare pants and socks, several clean shirts, three pairs of trousers, his beard brush, and not to forget his tooth brush. As he was zipping up his massive suit case, he heard a jingling sound outside, and opened the door just in time to see two clowns pole vaulting over his front hedge. On the road there was a looooooong line of carriages and trailers full of everything the circus has. There was Bertie, the elephant at the front, two fierce looking tigers in a cage, a strong man lifting incredibly heavy weights, a lady with a beard, and more clowns than Hairy McFred could count.

Ringmaster- Hairy McFred, you can use Len’s carriage until we can get him pumped up again. He won’t need it at the moment- we’ve got him rolled up in a tube in my office out of the way.

Narrator- And so off they went, a merry procession, that’s for sure, and they travelled around the world, to places that even Hairy McFred himself had never visited, like the flugelpits of East Borbellina. They entertained everyone, and everyone loved them, so much so that Hairy McFred alone had many many invites from people that whenever he was near there again, he must surely pop in for some tea and cakes.

When they got to India, they decided that it was time to find someone who could pump up poor old Len, who was very miserable indeed- well, wouldn’t you be if you were only half a centimetre thick and unable to eat cakes. So they tracked down Yogi Logi, the most wise man in the whole wide world.

Hairy McFred- Yogi Logi, we have travelled for many many miles to find you, to ask for your help.

Yogi Logi- And what help do you need?

Hairy McFred- My friend Len has been squashed quite flat by an elephant, and we were wondering if you could help us?

Yogi Logi- Hmm, let me see him.

Narrator- And so Hairy McFred took out the large cardboard tube that he was carrying on his back, pulled out a very flat, and somewhat disgruntled looking Len, and rolled him out on the floor.

Yogi Logi- Ah yes, quite simple this one, I’ve seen it before with our Indian elephants.

Narrator- The Yogi hobbled to the back of his hut, opened a large chest, and rummaged around inside for several minutes, making muttering sounds, and throwing out items he didn’t need, until eventually, he said;

Yogi Logi- AHA!

Narrator- And stood up with what looked like a very grand bicycle pump. It was covered with jewels, made to look like an elephant (with small ears, because it was made in India, and, as we all know, the difference between Indian and African elephants is that African elephants have very large ears, but Indian elephants have very small ones). He put the valve end into Len’s flat mouth, took a tight hold of the barrel, and started to pump

Narrator- As if by magic, Len began to inflate, starting with his fingers and toes, then his hands and feet, and then his arms, and legs until he was back to normal. Well, his nose still looked a little flat, but Hairy McFred later found out that Len had always had an unusually flat nose- an injury that he picked up when he was learning how to work with elephants.

Len- Oh, thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! I don’t know how to thank you any more!

Yogi Logi- Oh, no thank you’s are necessary, I’m just glad that I was able to help you.

Narrator- And so, a very happy circus troupe began to make their way back to England, and Hairy McFred’s home town of Little Widdling.

Ringmaster- Thank you very much indeed Hairy McFred, you’ve been an excellent elephant trainer, and some of your jokes were very funny indeed!

Len- And thank you for teaching me some elephant, Bertie and I can have great conversations now, and he’s promised never to flatten me again.

Hairy McFred- No, thank you all for making me feel so welcome, and letting me have so much fun with you all, I’ll never it. Next time you are in town, I insist that you come to my house for tea and cakes!

Narrator- And so a happy Hairy McFred stood at his gate and waved at the circus as they disappeared over the horizon, Bertie trumpeting all the way, with Len sat high up on his head, leading the March. Eventually, all was calm and quiet again. Until Hairy McFred said to himself;

Hairy McFred I never did get that ice cream.

Narrator- So, Hairy McFred pulled on his big shoes, grabbed his favourite hat, and stepped out on the pavement, on the walk to the shops, whistling as he went….

The Liar

I feel its time to let the cat out of the bag, the genie out of the bottle, to break character, drop the mask and tell you the truth. I think you deserve it.

 

You see the truth is I lie, a lot. I don’t just simply stretch the truth a little; I live in a world of fabrication, deception and outright fantasy.

 

The fabrication bit is the hardest to maintain as it’s easy to slip up with the little details. There has to depth to a good lie, it has to be real enough to be plausible, mundane enough to be believable, small enough to slip past almost unnoticed.

 

Deception is tricky the easiest way to do it is to pass off other people’s misfortunes and accomplishments as your own. This isn’t as easy as it sounds you need to know every intricate detail of the event that has now happened in your life as far as the people you tell are concerned.

 

Fantasy is the easiest this is simply things you want to happen, the person you want to be or the person other people want you to be. We all lie on this front, everybody lies about who they are to some degree. There are many reasons for it all as valid as each other, from a simple bumping up of exam grades on your cv to omitting things about yourself to the woman in the bar, Really this isn’t actually lying to them, you just haven’t told them the truth.

 

Now we have covered the basis of my deceitful existence we can move on to the finer points. Firstly why do I lie?

 

 This simple sounding question is almost impossible to answer. Every lie has a difference purpose.

 

Some lies back up other lies.

 

I was in a fight, this is the first lie it spikes your interest.

What happened? I had my nose broke, this is the second it gains sympathy.

But I broke his jaw, this is the third it bolsters my hardman image.

 

Truth is I have never thrown a punch in anger in my entire life. These three simple little lies can flow fast and the order can change depending on the situation. They can be extended as well.

 

Why did I break his jaw?

He jumped me and tried to mug me, self defence.

He was hitting his girlfriend so I stepped in, noble cause.

 

I go from thug to possibly misguided hero in two easy little fabricated steps

 

A deceptive lie would run like this

 

I was in the nightclub and this girl said if I scored her some tabs I could go back to her place with her and her girlfriend.  

 

I hate nightclubs, I am painfully shy, I have never, nor would ever take drugs and I would never have sex with a near stranger in this day and age. The deception hides all this.

 My sister knows a girl who does this, uses stupid men to buy her drinks and drugs in the hope of a hot threesome that will never happen I just turn it to me being the lucky fellow.

 

Fantasy could be anything

 

When me and my sister were little she fell into the river and I pulled her out and saved her from drowning.

 

I don’t have a sister; I grew up as a lonely only child who yearned for a playmate and to be the protective big brother.

 

So in short I lie to make myself look bigger, stronger, and kinder. To hide the truth and make myself feel better. I lie to pass the time, for my own amusement, so I have something to add to the conversation instead of standing there on the sidelines like a mute. I lie to make you feel better about yourself; I lie so you like me.

 

But you have to ask yourself, how much of what I just told you is the truth?

 

Because it can’t be all of it.