Katy, Liz and Me

I first met Liz 9 months ago. We were staying in the same hotel in Hastings, me working as a sales rep with a number of clients in the area and Liz an accountant with a large multinational with an office in Rye. We were sat at opposite ends of the bar and it was quite clear we were both on business as I was still in my suit, albeit with tie undone while Suzie wore an immaculate pinstriped two piece covering a white blouse. I raised my pint glass to her in solidarity at our solitude and she tipped her glass of white wine in my direction in acknowledgement. To say we hit it off was something of an understatement. I bought her a drink and she suggested as we were both staying in the hotel that we share a table for dinner, something about “the hotel only needing to change one set of table linen afterwards” and I all too eagerly accepted. It was clear we had more in common than just being away from home on our own as we spent the meal flirting and exchanging looks that were just that bit too long to just be considered dining companions. It’s no surprise to say it but we ended up in her bed that night and the following morning Liz joked that we’d saved the hotel another lot of washing with me not getting back to my room that night.

There’s no doubt what I did was wrong. While Liz was happily single, I was married and I felt like hell over it for the next couple of days, but the truth is my sex life at home was non-existent due to my travelling and the kids and when an opportunity as keen and attractive as Liz appeared on the horizon it was not one to be sniffed at. We swapped numbers and whenever we were both staying in Hastings we’d end up in one room or another and it’s fair to say that neither of us got much sleep those nights. We’d get to the hotel, have sex, shower, order a bottle of wine which we’d share in the room, go down to the restaurant for dinner and then head back to her room for the night. There was nothing she wouldn’t do in the bedroom and it’s no exaggeration to say that I learnt a few new tricks over those nine months. Then along came Katy.

Liz and I had already had sex that evening and Liz showered first as always (long hair, needed to dry it before dinner) when there was a knock at the door. I stepped out of the shower to see a girl with long, dark hair tied back just setting down a tray containing two wine glasses and a chiller with a bottle of white wine (Sauvignon Blanc as always) on the dresser. Liz reached for her purse to tip the girl but fumbled it and as she bent down to pick it up, the girl caught an eyeful of her ample breasts inside her white towelling dressing gown and it was clear that the girl was ogling Liz. Liz looked up and caught Katy staring at her and what happened next took me completely by surprise. Liz put her hand on the girl’s face and kissed her. Gently at first but it soon developed from a peck to a full-on kiss on the lips which went on for a few seconds before the girl pushed her tongue into Liz’s mouth and the two of them French kissed as if they’d been doing it for years. I coughed and the two girls quickly turned round blushing as if caught by the headmaster. Katy tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear and made for the door at which point I put my hand up to stop her.

“What’s your name?” I asked her
“Katy”
“And what time do you finish?”
“My shift actually ended 10 minutes ago but we were short staffed so I offered to do this one last run for the kitchen to help them out.”
“So you’re on your own time now then?”
“Yes, I guess I am.” Came the reply.

Liz stepped forward and pointing at the swelling underneath my towel, whispered to Katy
“Looks like he enjoyed our little kiss. Fancy staying for a while and helping him out with that?”
Katy nodded, slowly at first but then more eagerly. Liz turned to Katy and started fondling her breasts through her fitted white blouse and as Katy started to breathe a little more deeply, Liz unbuttoned Katy’s blouse to reveal a powder blue bra. The two of them started kissing again and with their attention distracted I stepped behind Katy and slid my hand round the front of Katy’s trousers to start rubbing at her snatch before undoing the button and letting them fall to the floor. Standing there in her bra and a matching pair of blue shorts, the two girls collapsed onto the bed and Katy’s hands were soon under Liz’s dressing gown exploring her ample curves. I reached for Katy’s backside only to be slapped away by Liz’s hand with a curt “you wait your turn, buster” as the two girls settled down on the bed and Katy started to run her tongue up the inside of Liz’s thigh. Liz lay there moaning as Katy ate her pussy but managed to let out a “now fuck her, Nick” between gasps and I needed no second invitation as I eased Katy up onto her knees and pushed my cock inside her. Katy was now deeply inside Liz and I was even deeper inside Katy as the three of us fucked like porn stars and perhaps unsurprisingly given the circumstances we were in, it didn’t take me long to shoot my load which Katy seemed quite happy to have inside her, all the while continuing to lick Liz’s pussy. I withdrew to catch my breath and Liz took that as an opportunity to change positions as she lay Katy back on the bed and started to lick my spunk out of Katy’s cunt. This was the stuff of every man’s dreams – I’d just cum inside a girl I’d only just met and now my extramarital affair was licking it out of her. Fantastic. After a few minutes of covering her lips and face in my cum and Katy’s juices, Liz then sat up and kissed Katy fully again, the two of them covered in a combination of each other’s juices and my seed. It was magical. The girls then realising that I’d cum and they hadn’t, manoeuvred themselves into a 69 position which soon had them both gasping in orgasm while I sat there idly playing with my twitching cock. Satisfied, we all collapsed onto the bed and cuddled with me in the middle of the two girls who took it in turns to kiss me and then kiss each other.

We spent the next 2 or 3 hours together, with the girls playing with each other and with me and the three of us changing positions in order to get the most out of our time together but for me that first one was the best. Finally exhausted at about 10pm, Katy gathered her clothes and headed off home while Liz and I spent the rest of the night recovering. My balls were aching and she was sore from all the sex she’d had and we just enjoyed basking in the post-coital glow of our first threesome.

And our last one come to that as I never saw Katy or Liz again. Initially our visits to Hastings no longer seemed to coincide before Liz confessed to me in a phone call that our session with Katy had persuaded her that there was “more to life than guys” and that instead of checking into the hotel, she was spending nights over at Katy’s place. Initially I was gutted, but I figured that with a wife and kids of my own I should take that as a reminder that while what I’d got wasn’t perfect, it was more than most people had and I shouldn’t treat it so casually.

And then one night at the opposite end of the bar sat Claire. But I’ll save that for another time.

A list

If you have a small dick you better be good at eating pussy

90% of Audi and Bmw drivers will be arrogant fucks

¾ of all lists of petty nuances and quirks will be attributed to George Carlin

Apart from the ones the great man actually said or wrote

The phrase “I’m not racist but …”  will always be followed by something unbelievably racist  

Most people who oppose fox hunting will live in the city

95% of people who type “lol” aren’t really laughing they simply have nothing else to say

Everybody went to school with a smelly kid, if you think you didn’t you were the one who smelled

There is nothing funnier than giving a dog toffee

If you have more than three pet cats you are known as the mad person with all the cats

A dog should never be put into a handbag under any circumstance

99% of people who go on radio quizzes are complete idiots

The good old days were shit

Binge drinking used to be known as “the weekend”

The louder the tie the more boring the person

If you watch Jeremy Kyle you are as bad as the people on there

Every town has a Chinese takeaway that has been rumoured to have closed for being caught serving dog

Americans use the letter Z way too much and the letter U not enough

98% of people have no concept of irony at all

People who can reel off their own mobile phone number are freaks

People who can’t are idiots

You always cringe when a parent sends you a text message in text speak

You are always a little jealous when your parents treat your kids better than they did you as a child

You will never listen to a charity record that you buy more than once

The thought of Snow excites you until you are stuck in traffic in it

If everything in your life is complete you can still moan about the weather

Once a film series gets over two sequels the original is held in high regard

The more you have to dress up for a hen or stag party the worse its going to be

 A quiet night out rarely ends out as planned

And in a totally opposite way the best planned fun is always crap

You can’t tell people to be spontaneous

The Rocky films taught you all you need to know about roman numerals

The English will always prefer a gallant loser to a gloating winner

A man will under go most indignities if he thinks he will get a blow job at the end of it

Tortoises move a lot faster than you think

 You don’t know if Rolf Harris really does drink his own piss but it’s a nice thought anyway

Somebody  doing a loud fart in a public face will always be funny

Once your girlfriend farts in front of you things are never the same

There are two types of people in this world those who piss in the bath and those who lie

Women who think men can’t multitask have never seen a man watch porn and masturbate at the same time

Farting under the duvet and pulling the covers over your partners head is always funny

If you are over forty, male and balding buying a Porsche is not the great idea it sounds like

It doesn’t matter if people are laughing at you or with you as long as they are laughing

Nothing will ever beat a well timed heckle

If you can go into a pub and order the usual you drink too much

A long lasting musical career does not equal talent

A drunk woman singing I will survive on karaoke whilst crying is a monumental sight

The Beatles are dying in totally the wrong order

The more you pay for a haircut the worse it normally looks

Anyone who stirs paint with a screwdriver should be banned from diy

The more elaborate a powerpoint presentation is the less substance it has

The combover is more of a work of art than a hairstyle

Every man has shaved his stubble into a Hitler tache at one point

Every person with more than 200 cds owns at least one U2 album

The person who forwards the most “funny” emails around the office is the one with the least friends

People with Jesus fish stickers on their cars are always terrible drivers

97% of men would like a pet monkey

If you fart while on your own you have to sniff it by wafting it with your hand

Nobody likes their passport photo

Most people would give their right leg to sleep with Heather Mills

Everybody knew somebody who’s dad had a Cortina

Everything is better with Bacon

People who claim to be Vegetarian but eat fish/chicken are idiots

There is nothing fun about fun runs

To survive a bear attack you only have to be able to run faster than someone else in your party

You are always disappointed when nobody speaks up at the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part at a wedding

The uglier the bride the worse the bridesmaid dress

Ugly couples have more children

This number will always make you giggle

Facebook allows you to speak to people you have happily avoided for years

The customer is seldom right

Just because its popular doesn’t mean its good

Super Noodles are average at best

All you can eat isn’t a target

Regardless of all the health warnings people will eat junkfood as long as it tastes nice

Anyone who can tell you what the 13^th  letter of the alphabet  without running through it and checking shouldn’t be trusted

You have just checked, haven’t you?

Nine times out of ten the comments on youtube are better than the videos

If you can get a five star score on guitar hero you will contemplate learning to play a real guitar

Don’t trust people who can’t drive

The more sexual prowess people claim to have the less they really have

The closer you live to a border the more important it is as to what side you are on

When Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and David Blunkett had meetings the functioning eye to person ratio was 1:1

Being famous does not mean your opinion matters anymore than anyone else’s

Daniel Day Lewis may be a great actor but most people will rather watch American Pie than any of his “amazing” performances

Any film over two hours long is normally over blown

Double albums are mostly shit

There are exceptions to every rule

The more original band members you lose the worse the output

Tribute acts fall into two categories looking like them and sounding shit or looking nothing like them and sounding alright

Reunion tours should include nothing less than a full line up

No conversation should ever start a/s/l?

The more question marks the more pointless the question

Exclamation marks should only ever be used when absolutely necessary

Making friends at school isn’t important you never keep in touch anyway

Most of the stuff you learn at school is of no use at all

The more a person claims to be able to drink the more likely they will be a three pint wonder

Claiming to have never read a book is not a good thing

Not remembering your wife’s birthday but knowing the  starting line up of the 1986 Liverpool squad is not a good thing

 All good lists end on an even number

The Cats

I’d just turned into Somerset Road and was maybe halfway home when I first felt that something wasn’t right. The streetlight was out and I don’t know whether it was the increased darkness or the skeletal branches of the trees blowing in the autumn wind, but something certainly sent a shiver down my spine. I stopped for a moment and put my bags down, turned my collar up and gathered my things when I first noticed it. Sat ten feet in front of me on a wooden fence was the biggest ginger tom cat I’d ever seen and he was looking straight at me through his large yellow eyes. I walked up to him and rubbed the top of his head with my free hand as I passed and continued on my way, stopping and smiling as I heard the sound of his paws thumping on the ground as he headed off home. I carried on for maybe fifty yards and glanced back sensing something following me and sat down in the path behind me was the same ginger tom, washing his face as if he’d been sat there all the time. I told him to go home and gestured at him to shoo, but the cat continued to follow me, stopping motionless every time I turned to look at him in a surreal game of musical statues. Arriving at the junction of Dorset Avenue, I crossed the road and was greeted by another cat, a scruffy looking tabby. Still aware that Ginger was following me I sidestepped Tabby and headed up the street. I paused at the Essex Road to allow a car to pass in front of me and taking advantage of the momentary lull, I turned round to see that not only were Ginger and Tabby following me, but that a scruffy looking grey cat had joined them. I told the three cats to beat it but Tabby meowed at me in a defiant manner with the support of his two mates and none of them made any attempt to move. Seeing a gap in the traffic I darted across Essex Road and into Lime Street and guessed that crossing the busy road would have seen off my assailants but there behind me were the three cats still following closely. My pace quickened and I started breathing harder as I tried to get away from them as a second tabby jumped out of a hedge and hissed at me. I feigned stamping in his direction and he leapt out of the way allowing me to pass, only to fall in line behind me with the gathering group of felines. This pursuit continued for maybe 10 minutes as I varied my route, first up Cherry Street and then via an alleyway onto School Lane and Low Street, but every time I turned around the gang of cats was still there, and growing. Seven cats were now following me from the Ginger I saw some 15 minutes earlier to a pair of identical ginger and whites that had appeared out of nowhere in the alleyway.

I was starting to panic. Although I don’t mind cats, I’m not really a cat person and this was starting to get silly. My pace had now quickened to a near jog and sweat was beginning to form at the base of my spine as my winter coat was not only keeping the weather out but keeping my increasing body temperature in. But the cats weren’t bothered, they just continued with their pursuit and no matter what I did or where I went, they were still there.

I arrived at the bottom of my street and sensed that this had to end soon. With the cats now numbering a dozen and my front door within sight, I freaked. With hindsight it seems silly but I cut through a gap between two parked cars and dropped my shopping in the middle of the road as I bolted for my sanctuary. I dived through the front door and slammed it shut behind me and collapsed against it to gather my thoughts. After what seemed like an age I went into my lounge and looked out through the window.

And there in the middle of the street were a dozen cats, rifling through my shopping and eating the fish I’d just bought at the market.

Yet Even More Happy Green Forest

Narrator: It’s another beautiful day in Happy Green Forest, and one of our friends is feeling a little under the weather….

In a doctor’s office a Badger wearing a red suede waistcoat and with half moon spectacles resting on the end of his snout is sat opposite a depressed looking tortoise.

Dr. Brock (in a smooth, calming, relaxing voice): Ah Sheldon how are you my friend? And how can I help you today?

Sheldon: I don’t know Dr. Brock ..

DB: Oh please just call me Brock, there is no need for such vulgar formalities, I mean what is a title between friends

Sheldon: Sorry Dr .. Brock, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just have no energy, I can’t be bothered to do anything and well … I feel trapped.

DB: Trapped? How do you mean?

Sheldon: I just feel like I am carrying all this baggage with me, everywhere I go its there … on my back, and I’m so tired all the time

DB (smiling and nodding in an understanding way) : Well it is almost time for your winter nap Sheldon and you aren’t getting any younger

Sheldon: I don’t want to keep wasting my life by sleeping it away a season at a time

DB: Really? Sheldon I’m going to be honest I think you need to get out more, embrace life! Do you play an instrument or have a hobby?

Sheldon: Well I used to like a bit of a swim, quite fancied myself as a Turtle when I was a nipper, my Brother is one actually … we have lost touch now and I’m not very musical either to be honest.

DB: Tis a shame that, I used to play Sax when I was at Uni … used to be in a band … Dr Brock and the Renegades of Funk!, Oh those were the days I have a brother myself he plays with that Seymour Jazz Crab fellow. Done ever so well for himself really.

Sheldon: Like I said doc I’m not very musical.

DB: Quite, what you need Sheldon my old friend is to come out of your shell

Sheldon: Easier said than done that really.

DB: Nonsense, there are procedures these days that can set a person free!

Sheldon (nervously): Procedures?

DB: Maybe you have heard of them Shellodectomy’s ?

Sheldon: Shello…..

DB: Dectomy’s, they have been used for years to help disillusioned Snails to realize their dreams as slugs and more recently we have pioneered the reverse shellodectomy which of course entails the disillusioned Slugs becoming snails.

Sheldon: I’m not really a slug type of person ….

DB: Of course you’re not! And I would never allow anyone to cast such a shadow on you, but how would you feel about being a sloth? We would have to start you off with some hormones to encourage the fur and you would have to live as one for a while before we removed that shell of yours

Sheldon (confused) : A Sloth?

DB: Yes imagine it, hanging around without a care in the world, no pesky hibernations and most importantly Sheldon dear fellow no Shell weighing you down at every turn! You would be free to do as you please!

Sheldon: Well it does sound quite nice

DB: Nice? If I wasn’t so happy in my fur I would jump at the chance!

Sheldon: Well can I have a think about it?

DB: Of course you can dear boy, We can’t rush into things like this can we now.

Sheldon: Well thank you Doctor, I’ll have a think and I’ll come back to you

Sheldon stands up, the animals shake hands and with a beaming smile Doctor Brock embraces the confused Tortoise.

DB: Everything will work out just fine, I’m sure of it.

Narrator: Here in Happy Green Forest it’s the little things that are important, like having good friends and being comfortable in your own skin.

Sheldon decides he does want to live as a Sloth and is soon known as Gary Three Toes, meanwhile Dr Brock reforms the renegades of funk.

Life is good Children.

Take Care You.

Sheldon: I don’t think I’m much of a Gary really.

An Evening Out In Happy Green Forest

Narrator: Well, hello there children, today is an extra special day in Happy Green Forest. For an old friend makes a triumphant return …..

The waterhole is Happy Green Forests version of a bar; there are rocks to sit on and a few tree stump tables. An old raft is used as a stage and there are two bears wearing suits acting as bouncers.

A small Wolf cub approaches the Bears with the misplaced confidence that only youth can offer.

Carl (with a put on deep voice) : Evenin’ chaps

“Tiny” Tim (the biggest of the bears) And where do you think you’re going lil’ Pup?

Carl (voice swaying from faux deep to squeaky teen) : Ah you know just going in for a sup after a hard days work at school…. I mean the office, we call the office school, it’s a silly joke really.

Tommy (the other bear): it’s a funny joke, really

Tiny: Hilarious … but you know you can’t come in

Carl: (squeaky) Why not (deep) Why not?

Tommy: You know why not, come on I know your mother … Its Carl right?

Carl: But I’m Twenty One

Tiny (deadpan) : Dog years don’t count.

Tommy: Now that’s funny.

Carl: Ah come on guys I wanna see the Jazz Crab, he is on tonight aint he? I mean that’s why youse guys are on the doors on a Wednesday night.

Tommy: Jeez how did you know? Its meant to be a secret show … Seymour has only been back a few days

Carl (excited) everybody knows! They are saying Morris is support as well

Tiny: Someone’s blabbed … I blame the internet

Tommy: You blame … the internet?

Tiny: yup its spoils everything, breeds lies you know there are people on there who think the world is flat and we didn’t land on the moon? And on this one site I saw this Horse ….

Tommy: (to tiny) we’ll talk about this later … (to Carl) Look kid I would love to let you in, really I would, but you’re underage and this aint no place for a pup.

Carl (dejected) I’m not a pup

Tommy: like I said kid I’m sorry, my hands are tied

Carl (turning and walking off) You guys suck

As Carl walks off, Barry the Bushbaby, bopping his head to a frantic unheard beat, rushes towards the bears. Followed as ever by the sleepy ferret Benny.

Barry: How are we boys … is he on yet? Is she working tonight? Do you guys really … you know in the woods?

Tommy: Morris is just about finished , its Pips night off tonight ...

Tiny: But she is in

Tommy: OH! Nice one Tiny … look give her a break eh, Barry? She is new round here and doesn’t know how to take it

Barry: I’ll show her how to take it yuk yuk yuk yuk yarrrgh

Tommy (grabbing Barrys arm, digging his claws in but smiling) Leave her be eh?

Barry (rubbing where he has been mauled) ok ok ok I’ll be nice, I’ll be nice

Benny: You still talking ‘bout that Beaver? I knew a Capybara once

Barry: Not this again, come on Rip Van Winkle lets find a pew

Benny and Barry walk off into the waterhole and find a rock to perch on. The place is crowded with the residents of Happy Green Forest. On the stage a Mole wearing a smoking jacket is gripping the microphone and singing with his eyes shut tight.

Morris: I’m a Rodent and I need to be Loo-ooved … Just like everybody else does

Benny (leaning into Barry) I saw his first band you know

Barry: I know I got us the tickets, now shut up I love this song … (shouting along woefully out of tune) And you go home and cry and you want to diiiiie

The song ends the crowd cheers. Morris squints into the crowd, nods his head as a thank you and scurries off stage.

Barry: I can’t believe we missed his set, it’s your fault as well you lazy good for nothing ….

Benny: Dude look I’m sorry but you know I need my Z’s

Barry: You are always sleeping!

Benny: I’m a Ferret! … Look I’ll go get the drinks in

Benny trudges off to the waters edge and waits behind the logs that makes up the bar to be served.

A Raccoon wearing a low cut top and with two big gold hoop earrings eventually comes over to Benny.

Barbara: Y’alright Benny

Benny: Alright Barb two Standings please doll and whatever you want as well of course

Barbara: Ah thanks sweet cheeks

Barbara pours two glasses of green stagnant water for Barry and Benny and a small glass of crystal clear water for herself

Benny: Cheers chick.. Maybe I’ll see you later eh?

Barbara (coy): Yeah maybe you will

Benny makes his way back to Barry, who is sat staring open mouthed at the stage.

Barry (motioning towards the stage): You seen this clown?

Onstage a toad is stood picking out random notes on a bass guitar

Barry: I hate roadies

Benny (putting the drinks onto the table) Not this again

Barry: Cheers Pal (takes a sip) Ooh that’ll put hairs on your chest

The toad happy with the sound of the Bass hops off stage. A hush falls over the crowd as they await the main act.

Barry stands on his chair.

Barry: COME OOOOOOOOON

The entire crowd turn as one and look at Barry. Most realise who it is shake their heads and turn back to the stage.

An elderly crab scuttles sideways onto the stage. Perched on top of his shell is a battered black pork pie hat. In one claw he is holding a harmonica.

The crowd goes wild.

Seymour: Good evening ladies and gentlemen I’m Seymour the Jazz Crab it’s a pleasure to see you all here on this fine night in this fine, fine club and this (waving the harmonica) is Monica ….

Crowd (as one) AAaaaah Monica

Seymour: God bless ya, god bless ya

Seymour starts to play a blues riff but cuts it short

Seymour: Before we get going I better introduce a few friends of mine … We been out on the road spreading the love …. Ladies and gents it’s the Happy Green Forest Jazz orchestra

Various animals of all different shapes and sizes, including a spider on the drums, A Capybara on guitar and an old Badger with a trumpet emerge on stage and pick up their instruments.

Benny: That’s her! That’s her I told you I knew a Capybara!

Barry: You don’t know her, they all look alike these Capybara’s

Seymour restarts the blues riff on Monica and the band all join in.

Narrator: Happy Green Forest is a happy place but music brings out the best of us all. This party continues well into the night and doesn’t stop until the break of Dawn.

Dawn is a Swan who falls off a table trying to get a better look.

Take care you.

Dawn: Whooooooooooo I love you Seymour .. wait what?

Night Time In Happy Green Forest

Narrator: Night time in Happy Green Forest and as the day dwellers are curled up tight in their nice warm beds, the creatures of the night come out to play.

A moth flutters by

Monty (muttering grumpily) : Should’ve been a Butterfly …

A Bushbaby dressed in a short sleeved white shirt unbuttoned to show some chest hair, eyes like saucers darting everywhere is jigging about while a sleepy Ferret wearing a bright flowery shirt is slumped against a tree trunk its eyes fighting to stay open

Barry Bushbaby (at the top of his voice) : Oi oi! Lets ‘ave it!

Benny: I don’t know where I am …. It’s all dark … am I dying?

Barry (jigs over to the slumped Ferret and leans in close to its ear) : COME ONE YOU BEAUTYYyyyyyyyy

Benny (his eyes shoot open with an alarmed look on his face)What? Its still dark, my eyes are open but its dark whats going on?

Benny looks up to the jigging, giggling Bushbaby and a look understanding crosses his face.

Benny: Barry?

Barry: Benny Baby back in the land of the living, come on let’s get down to the waterhole ‘ave a few drinks, bit of a lurk about see the wildlife …..

Benny: Barry I’m tired its alright for you, you can sleep all day I NEED my sixteen hours sleep, you know I can’t function without it.

Barry (laughing loudly like Sid James) : yuk yuk yuk Y’ lightweight I thought you were a party animal?

Benny: That’s stoats or Weasels … I get confused

Barry ( Stops the jigging, very serious) Of course you do know the difference between a Stoat and a Weasel, don’t you?

Benny (warily) : No … I don’t

Barry (serious) : Well you See a Weasel is Weaselly recognised and a Stoat is Stoatally different Haaaaaaaaaa yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk (Barry is bent doubled tears streaming from his face)

Benny: That’s it I’m going home

Barry: Aaah come on pal … just a quick one at the waterhole … they have got a Beaver working there now … you ever seen a Beaver?

Benny (curious) : A Beaver? In these parts?

Barry: Yeah I know theys been reintroduced or something … nice tail on them mind if you know what I mean yuk yuk yuk

Benny: Big teeth though, no?

Barry: Yup she knows how to handle the old wood yuk yuk yuk yuk

Benny: You’re disturbed, I’m off ... got work in the mornin’


Benny gets up and starts to head off

Barry: Whatever dude, I’m still going .. gonna go see me a Beaver, might even give Stevie the Wonder Kid a shout see if he wants to HANG around …




Barry: Get it HANG around

Benny stops and turns to look at Barry

Benny (bored) : Yes I know he’s a Bat, look no hard feelings eh pal?

Barry (acting all hurt kicking at the floor) yeah no harm, no foul

Barry turns away and starts to plod slowly off

Benny: maybe just one drink then eh?

Benny runs to catch up with Barry.

Barry (Throwing his arm around the Ferret) You Beauty, knew you wouldn’t let me down, its going to be great!

Narrator: As the moon rides across Happy Green Forest, Two friend’s days are just starting. Take Care You.

Benny: You sure she is a Beaver? I knew a Capybara once

A New Arrival in Happy Green Forest

Narrator: Today is a very special day in the Forest as some new residents move in and start to make friends with the other creatures that put the Happy into Happy Green Forest.


A woodpecker, wearing a climbing helmet and safety harness is cautiously tapping at a tree. Suddenly it starts to fall.


Pippa Beaver (wearing dungarees and looking skyward) : Tiiiiiiiiiiiimber!

The tree crashes down leaving the woodpecker dangling precariously by its harness.

Wallace Woodpecker (upside down and most upset) : What in the blazes do you think you are playing at?

PB: Fellin’ this here tree, like what I’m meant to … I shouted Timber

WW: Like you are meant to? Who are you and just what do you think you are doing?

PB: Well sir, I’m Pippa Beaver (offering paw to shake) , most folks call me Pip an’ I jus’ moved into this here wood of yours an’ I’m making me a home

WW (setting himself free of his harness, ignoring the extended paw) : It’s a Forest

PB (Putting her paws in her pockets) : Pardon?

WW: It’s not a Wood it’s a forest and we have proper houses with doors and windows and suchlike, we don’t make them we are not animals.

PB: Well I don’t know about any of that sir, I jus’ got here

WW: Jus’ I mean Just got here? And from where did you just get here from?

PB: Captivity sir, I was born and raised in captivity and now I done got reintroduced

WW: Captivity eh? I think I have a cousin down that way.. anyway what do you mean reintroduced?

PB: Well sir me an’ my fambly have been let out into this here woo.. I mean forest to live in. Not just us ... either there’s a big ole fambly of Bears, some wolves and I think some boars as well, but that might just be a rumour.

WW: What in heavens are you blathering about?

PB: Seems y’all critters been having a nice easy quiet life and the powers that be thinks its ‘bout time things livened up a bit round here

WW. Well we will see about that, Here in Happy Green Forest we live in a civilised society, a democratic society we have laws and we have order.

PB: Sure sounds mighty boring, what y’all do for fun round here?

WW: Well I am the scout leader and a climbing instructor in my spare time. I also host the book club and I am on the board for the May barn dance.

PB: Bet you play bridge don’t ya’

WW (smugly) well I have been known to play a bit in my time

PB: How ‘bout poker? I got myself a bit of a stash to play with

WW: Oh we don’t gamble here, this is a happy place full of joy and free from the dangers and corruption of gambling.

PB: Oh I see, anyway it’s sure been nice talking to you sir (extends paw to shake again) . Jus’ it’s getting late and I needs to get my place sorted before the bears come out.

WW (ignores the paw again) : Well like I said we live in houses here, but if you go and see the Mayor I’m sure he will arrange something, maybe one of the log cabins up by the lake I know one of those is empty, has been ever since poor Otto had his accident.

PB: Sure sounds swell, where will I find this mayor of yours?

WW: If you would like to follow me I’ll take you there myself, its not far

Pippa and Wallace walk into the distance towards the Mayors house, their conversation tapering off as they walk away


Narrator: You know what children? I think Pippa is going to fit in nicely here in Happy Green Forest, until next time, take care you.

PB: Who said that?

WW: Oh him, you’ll get used to that