Hairy McFred & The Circus

Narrator- Hairy McFred is a great big man, with a great big beard. A great big ginger beard. Some say that he hides mice in his beard, others say he keeps sandwiches in it for when he’s hungry. The truth is that no one really knows what’s inside his beard. But one thing we do know is that Hairy McFred is a very jolly soul indeed. Wherever he goes, you can hear him walking along, laughing- usually at a joke he has just heard, for example;

Hairy McFred- What’s brown and sticky? A stick! Hoho ho ho ho!

Narrator- So there we have him- Hairy McFred. A bigger, more gentle man you couldn’t wish to meet. One other thing to know about Hairy McFred is that he’s always finding himself in the middle of an unusual adventure. Oh yes, he’s trekked through the jungles of Africa, he’s had tea with the Pope, he’s raced a kangaroo in Australia (he won the race too). Today was going to be no different for Hairy McFred, who was on his way to the shops to buy himself an nice ice cream…

Hairy McFred- Hmm, what flavour shall I have today? Strawberry? Vanilla? Chocolate- oh yes, chocolate. Or, hmm, yes, I could always have meat pie flavoured! I do like meat pie flavoured ice cream. Or stew and dumplings- the best kind of ice cream there is...

HEEELLLPP!

Hairy McFred- Oh dear, It sounds like someone’s in trouble, I’d better see if I can help.

Narrator- So Hairy McFred ran to where he heard the voice, only to see a circus big top! There was chaos, clowns were running around like headless chickens, the high wire troupe had climbed onto the tent to get out of the way, and there was a very startled looking elephant rearing up, and generally looking very unhappy.

Hairy McFred- What’s the problem?

Ringmaster- Our elephant caught sight of a mouse, jumped back, and squashed his trainer completely flat! Now we have a very scared elephant, and no trainer to calm him down! What shall we do?

Narrator- Now, as I’ve already told you, Hairy McFred is no stranger to an adventure, and met a herd of elephants the last time he was in Africa. They’d taught him a little bit of their language, enough, he hoped, to be able to help here, so he cleared his throat;

Hairy McFred- H-HMMM

Narrator- Racked his brains for the right thing to say;

Hairy McFred- errrr

Narrator- And let out an almighty bellow

Hairy McFred- Trumpeting noise

Narrator- Just like that, the elephant stopped it’s frantic trumpeting, stood
od up straight on all four legs, and slowly turned his head. The circus troupe looked on in amazement as he raised his long nose, and actually spoke (in elephant of course) to Hairy McFred.

Narrator- Of course, Hairy McFred wasn’t at all surprised, he’d just asked the elephant if he was ok, and was relieved to hear the elephant reply that yes, he was quite alright actually. He wasn’t particularly scared of mice, but this one had taken him quite by surprise. Now, though, the elephant was very sad indeed that he’d flattened his trainer.

Well, Hairy McFred passed all of this onto the ringmaster, and, with a glint in his eye, asked;

Hairy McFred- Could I join your circus as the elephant trainer for a while please? I’ve always wanted to be part of the circus, and as you can see, I’m very good with elephants indeed

Ringmaster- Why of course you can! Poor old Len there isn’t in much of a state for romping around with old Bertie- well, not until we can think of a way of puffing him back up to his full size again. He’s been squashed quite flat!

Narrator- Well, having forgotten all about his ice cream, Hairy McFred rushed home to pack some spare pants and socks, several clean shirts, three pairs of trousers, his beard brush, and not to forget his tooth brush. As he was zipping up his massive suit case, he heard a jingling sound outside, and opened the door just in time to see two clowns pole vaulting over his front hedge. On the road there was a looooooong line of carriages and trailers full of everything the circus has. There was Bertie, the elephant at the front, two fierce looking tigers in a cage, a strong man lifting incredibly heavy weights, a lady with a beard, and more clowns than Hairy McFred could count.

Ringmaster- Hairy McFred, you can use Len’s carriage until we can get him pumped up again. He won’t need it at the moment- we’ve got him rolled up in a tube in my office out of the way.

Narrator- And so off they went, a merry procession, that’s for sure, and they travelled around the world, to places that even Hairy McFred himself had never visited, like the flugelpits of East Borbellina. They entertained everyone, and everyone loved them, so much so that Hairy McFred alone had many many invites from people that whenever he was near there again, he must surely pop in for some tea and cakes.

When they got to India, they decided that it was time to find someone who could pump up poor old Len, who was very miserable indeed- well, wouldn’t you be if you were only half a centimetre thick and unable to eat cakes. So they tracked down Yogi Logi, the most wise man in the whole wide world.

Hairy McFred- Yogi Logi, we have travelled for many many miles to find you, to ask for your help.

Yogi Logi- And what help do you need?

Hairy McFred- My friend Len has been squashed quite flat by an elephant, and we were wondering if you could help us?

Yogi Logi- Hmm, let me see him.

Narrator- And so Hairy McFred took out the large cardboard tube that he was carrying on his back, pulled out a very flat, and somewhat disgruntled looking Len, and rolled him out on the floor.

Yogi Logi- Ah yes, quite simple this one, I’ve seen it before with our Indian elephants.

Narrator- The Yogi hobbled to the back of his hut, opened a large chest, and rummaged around inside for several minutes, making muttering sounds, and throwing out items he didn’t need, until eventually, he said;

Yogi Logi- AHA!

Narrator- And stood up with what looked like a very grand bicycle pump. It was covered with jewels, made to look like an elephant (with small ears, because it was made in India, and, as we all know, the difference between Indian and African elephants is that African elephants have very large ears, but Indian elephants have very small ones). He put the valve end into Len’s flat mouth, took a tight hold of the barrel, and started to pump

Narrator- As if by magic, Len began to inflate, starting with his fingers and toes, then his hands and feet, and then his arms, and legs until he was back to normal. Well, his nose still looked a little flat, but Hairy McFred later found out that Len had always had an unusually flat nose- an injury that he picked up when he was learning how to work with elephants.

Len- Oh, thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! I don’t know how to thank you any more!

Yogi Logi- Oh, no thank you’s are necessary, I’m just glad that I was able to help you.

Narrator- And so, a very happy circus troupe began to make their way back to England, and Hairy McFred’s home town of Little Widdling.

Ringmaster- Thank you very much indeed Hairy McFred, you’ve been an excellent elephant trainer, and some of your jokes were very funny indeed!

Len- And thank you for teaching me some elephant, Bertie and I can have great conversations now, and he’s promised never to flatten me again.

Hairy McFred- No, thank you all for making me feel so welcome, and letting me have so much fun with you all, I’ll never it. Next time you are in town, I insist that you come to my house for tea and cakes!

Narrator- And so a happy Hairy McFred stood at his gate and waved at the circus as they disappeared over the horizon, Bertie trumpeting all the way, with Len sat high up on his head, leading the March. Eventually, all was calm and quiet again. Until Hairy McFred said to himself;

Hairy McFred I never did get that ice cream.

Narrator- So, Hairy McFred pulled on his big shoes, grabbed his favourite hat, and stepped out on the pavement, on the walk to the shops, whistling as he went….