The Big Mans Blog

Hi I’m GOD.
I live in a kingdom in the clouds and sit on a throne, you can’t see me but you must fear me for I am love.

I look down at you all and see everything that everyone is doing at anytime all at once, I also hear what you are all saying and know what you are thinking.
Basically I rock.

I don’t do anything about the stuff you do in your life until you are dead and then I just get another fellow called Peter to stop you coming into my Kingdom. He is like immigration control.

I used to get nasty on peoples ass for not living like I say they should, this one time back in the day I drowned every one in this huge flood except this bloke called Noah, who I told to make a boat big enough to fit two of each animal in the world on, his wife Joan and their family. Thou shall not kill doesn’t count for me.

I also made everything in the world; actually I made the entire world in a week with my bare hands then had a day off.

Let me just emphasise that, I made everything, every intricate flower that spreads its seed in the wind, all of your nerves and complex organs, Wasps, Cancer, Aids, even Pandas who are so stupid they only eat one thing, and that isn’t even very good for them.

All me.

All on my own, don’t ask who made me either because the idea of someone, something making me makes about as much sense as there being nothing and then that nothing exploding.

I even made the dinosaurs, but nobody mentioned them in the book they wrote about me, don’t know how they missed them out really, I mean huge lizards! Some of them could even fly! And not one single word?

After I crafted the world I made a garden, all that space and I make a garden, wicked eh?
Then I made man, just made him, none of that gradual curve crap working with monkeys, there was nobody then man, one step - nothing then man-

He was in my image of course, and I let him live in the garden.
But he got bored so I took one of his ribs out and made him a woman.
Didn’t give them any clothes mind, just a few leaves to cover the rude bits up.

And so they lived in my garden free to do as they wished, well anything apart from eating my apples. That was the one thing I didn’t want them to do.
Scrump my Apples.

Of course the woman only goes and dares to eat an Apple. She says a snake told her to do it, have you ever seen a talking snake?
I haven’t and I made everything.

So I kicked them out of my garden and then these two people populated the world.
They did some serious fucking and a fair bit of incest, let me tell you Eve was a proper dirty bitch and couldn’t stop a pig in an alley by the end of it all.

I made Pigs as well by the way.

So I left it for a bit but after a while people needed some guidance so here’s what I did.

I saw this couple who hadn’t yet consummated their marriage and knocked her up on the sly. I let my mate Gabriel break the news to her. Her husband must have got off on stuff like that as he seemed pretty chuffed with it all and excepted her explanation of a miracle birth rather than jumping to the conclusion that his wife had been putting it about.
The bloke was so far under the thumb you could see the print on his head, I made finger prints as well, all of the unique but I made them all.

So my bastard son was born in a barn on Christmas day, poor sod was always going to get combined presents and he did, Three wise men followed a star and gave him some gold, frankincense and Myrrh. They can’t have been very wise as they aren’t exactly baby friendly gifts. Some babygrows would have been better or a blanket, the poor tyke was in a manger in the middle of December after all.

But anyway my son led a good life and spread messages of peace and hope and do you know what happened?

He went for a walk in the desert for a month or so, didn’t eat or drink the entire time he was away. And when he came back, the bloody Romans only went and nailed him to some lower case “t”, stabbed him with a great big spear and then put his body in a cave.
Only he wasn’t really dead and he came back to life at Easter time as a Rabbit and gave children eggs. Rabbit eggs?

There is more to my story of course, Old men parting oceans, colourful jackets inspiring crap tv shows, child murder, to name a few.

Just don’t forget science is totally wrong, It was all me.

All wars in my name are for the best cause, even when both sides believe in different versions of me.

All I ask for is blind faith, it’s that or I’ll let you burn forever.

For I am forgiveness.