You Just Think It Looks Cool

Sporting a hangover this morning that felt like I had been kicked in the face by Jackie fuckin’ Chan I began to ponder, as I do, Just why do we drink?

Don’t get me wrong being drunk is great, I get that, I really do.

But take a step back and it’s not really all that great.

Ever been out and been the designated driver or like been on medication or some shit? Going out with a bunch of people and being the only sober person is hellish and why?

Drunk people, even if they are the love of your life, best friends or what ever, are just really fucking annoying.

They are loud, incoherent, uncoordinated, and a lot dumber than they normally are, with some people this is a hard job anyway but somehow they manage it. Most of them are obnoxious, rude, and arrogant to boot.

They think they are the funniest mother fuckers alive and that the shit that is tumbling from their lips is in depth and profound, yet normally its just utter fucking drivel or sometimes if you are lucky, or unlucky depending on the content, a little too candid and honest.

And that’s just for starters.

Some drunks want to fight everyone, some want to hug and kiss them, some declare their love for everyone, and others just sit and cry.

This last one is normally reserved for fat girls at parties.

Ever notice that?

There is always one fat girls sat on the steps outside crying. If there isn’t one by the time I get there, I like to find one and make her cry, you know call her a cunt, kick her in the twat that type of thing.


The best ones are the ones who are crying because they are being sick …

That mix of boo hoo baby sobs and retching always makes me giggle.


Then they have their best mate, equally as drunk, holding their hair out of the way, rubbing their back and saying “There there”.

That’s a level of friendship I just can’t get my head around, if any of my friends are chucking their ring I’m the motherfucker laughing his ass off and filming it on the mobile. No matter how many times I send in videos like that, Harry Hill never sends me my two hundred and fifty quid.

What can I say I’m a people person.

If it helps any ,I am normally the person who throws up into the fish tank.

On purpose I would like to add, even if I’m not all that drunk, I’ll you know, give it the bulimic tonsil tickle.

You wouldn’t think Guppies liked carrots that much would you?

Anyway I love a good party me.

Another thing about alcohol is it doesn’t even taste all that nice.

And I know some of you are thinking “I like the taste”

No you don’t, you may think you do, but it really tastes like shit.

You may have gotten used to the taste but it doesn’t taste nice in the traditional meaning of the word.

You ever given a beer to a kid? They never say

“Ooh that’s nice Dad can I have some more?”

It’s always

“I’m telling Mum when I get home”


And don’t give me any of that refreshing, crisp taste crap, if you want refreshing drink some juice, if they made a lager flavoured cordial nobody would buy it and that’s why non-alcoholic lagers and beers are just plain shit, you get none of the pleasure.

Now yes some beers do taste nicer than others but on a same sort of plane, rape is better than anal rape, do you get what I’m trying to say here?


We don’t drink for the taste, we drink to get drunk and it really is as simple as that.


And this is why cocktails and alcopops are so great; they taste nice and get you really fucked up really fast.

The main aim of alcopops and cocktails, in my book anyway, is to totally mask that nasty tang of alcohol and the best ones colour your sick nicely as well.

You just can’t beat barking pints of Blue vomit at the kerb, it really is one of life’s simplest joys.

Right up there with getting home and hammering out shit on the internet while wasted, we have all done that right?

Sat there giggling at yourself, going back to the earlier point of thinking you are the funniest person ever, click clacking away on the keyboard like a demented fucking secretary and all of it nonsense or offensive or if you're me, both.

My uncle once, while drunk, maxed out his credit card buying tickets for gigs, it was fucking great we saw everybody and anybody who was touring.

Quite we he chose to buy six tickets at a time is beyond me but hey ho, the touts made a killing off him and I got to see Blood Has Been Shed, never heard of them before but to quote my uncle “they just sounded like they would rock”

And they did.

And unlike drunk forum posting when you see what you have done the next day he only found out when the tickets started coming in the mail.


I guess really what I am trying to get at is forget all the bullshit reasons people give for drinking and forget all the health aspects and the damage drinking does that I haven’t even started to cover just grow some balls and be honest enough to say. . .

I like to get fucked up.