My last hour..

The breeze blew against my face and despite the scene of purity and freedom around me, my heart still felt heavy and my throat still felt tight with pain and betrayal.

I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky. It was clear blue, the sun gleaming and gentle fluffy clouds swirled past. A Seagull glided across my view and for a moment I wished I was that bird. My eyes followed it as it swooped and swirled above me. It was almost as if it knew what I was about to do and was trying to make me see there was hope and happiness out there. Another gull flew into view and called the first. They flew off together into the distance. A small smile dared to upturn the corners of my mouth but the unity of the gulls just reminded me of my loneliness.

I turned my head to the side and reached out for the plastic bag beside me. I touched it and ran it's thin cool plastic through my fingers contemplating my plan. I swallowed hard and sat up wearily. I pulled the bag into my lap and opened it up to survey it's contents. All still there...

I looked out over at the valley below me. I could see cottages with people driving and getting on with their everyday lives. Families... innocent, carefree children... lovers... None of them knowing the emptiness I was feeling inside as I watched over them from a distance.

I felt in my trouser pocket for my phone, and pulled it out. One last text? No...what would be the point? I had made up my mind, I had done all the fighting I could cope with, and now I had accepted that I had lost the battle. Battered and bruised inside, I no longer wanted to torture myself.

I turned my phone off and lay it on the grass beside me. I reached inside the bag and pulled out a white envelope. I ran my fingers across the name on the envelope. Tears stung my eyes but I shut them tight, temper at my weakness building inside me. I took a deep, sharp breath in and counted slowly to ten in my head to compose myself.

1..2..3..4..5..6.. breath out...7..8..9..10..

I opened my eyes and wiped them with the back of my hand. I lay the envelope against my phone.
I reached inside the bag again and gripped the small bottle pulling it out. I lay it on the grass beside me and I then pulled out the bottle of Whisky.

I felt my heart beating heavily in my chest. Is it possible? How, after how much hurt I had been through, could I possibly still feel my heart beating? It almost felt alien to me after the numbness I had been existing on.
Please don't have any doubts... I had made my decision, and it hadn't exactly been a hard one. I had nothing...no-one.

I was nothing...

I unscrewed the lid on the Whisky bottle, and put it to my lips. The fumes burnt my nostrils. I lifted the bottle briskly and my throat contracted as the amber fluid swirled through my mouth. I gulped hard. It would get easier. It was a small price to pay.

I clicked off the lid of the small bottle and poured the small white tablets into my hand. One by one? All at once? They were only small so it wouldn't prove that much of a challenge. Irritated at my indecision I threw the tablets into my mouth with a slug of Whisky. I threw the pill bottle into the undergrowth. I didn't want anyone to find me in an unconscious state and bring me back into this hateful world.

There...done...no going back... I took another swig of Whisky and lay back...eyes closed...