Now You Wouldn't Want to Rock the Boat - Would You???

Summer of '88. My marriage ended. I walked in on my man shagging his best friend’s sister. He didn’t break my heart. I packed my things and left. I never saw him again.

Everyone around me seemed to be more upset than me. I was lucky, I had kept up my friendships with the girls I went to college with and within days I was back out on the social scene, enjoying myself, even reacquainting myself with old college boyfriends.

My job as a secretary was boring me, so I decided that a couple of nights working in the local pub would be a laugh. That’s where I met you, my soul mate. The man who I would be spending the rest of my life with. The man who made me laugh at everything and be serious about nothing. The man who made my heart jump, the man who made me feel so special.

I fell deeply in love within weeks. You said you didn’t like my friends as they were all single and had the ability to lead me astray. I agreed. I dumped them all. I didn’t want to rock the boat in this fantastic relationship.

We spent weekends at the football. I loved it. Did you enjoy it too? No, you said. It was full of wankers just looking at my breasts. So I stopped going. I didn’t want to rock the boat. You continued to go. I stayed at home and picked you up from the station every week, always the worse for wear from either drinking, or drinking and fighting.

I made an effort to make your friends, my friends too. We all got on great. Everyone loved you and you were the centre of attention at every gathering in the pub. I was proud to be with you.

Then came the drunken arguments. You hated it when our friends talked to me and not you. I had to run through every discussion I had that evening. I had to declare that I did not fancy any of your friends. I said ok when you asked me to stay by your side at the pub. After all, I loved you, and you loved me so much, you didn’t want me to be far away from you and the boat wasn’t there to be rocked.

You showed your love by buying me nice clothes. The clothes you liked. The clothes that didn’t quite fit until I had lost a few pounds. Within weeks I was wearing them. At my thinnest I was 9st and looking unhealthy. My parents made jokes about it, but I could tell they were not happy with the situation.

Then came more male attention. I tried my best to avoid it. I even started dressing down and stopped wearing make up. You suggested that we stop going out and enjoy each others company at home. Of course, you loved me so much, so it was ideal for me to have you all to myself.

You cooked me lovely meals, we played games, we watched films together, and we made love. I put on weight; you said you loved me being bigger. You proposed to me. I said yes. By this time I was a little worried about your ways, but I thought if we were married, you would lose your insecurities.

We set the date and told everyone. We started socialising again. I think you felt safe because I had committed to you.

I received invitations to parties, weddings and christenings from old college friends. I ignored them all. After all, I had my new life now.

I lost weight again and bought a beauty of a wedding dress. We arranged the honeymoon and for a few months, you were fine and I thought we had cracked it forever.

The wedding was perfect. The honeymoon was perfect. We bought a house together and the next couple of years were perfect. I became pregnant and you were ecstatic. We had two children within the next 2 years and everything was great.

During all our time together I was working hard, changing jobs and working my way up to earning good money with a new career. I was offered a job with a guy who needed me to run his business. The money was twice what I was earning at that point. I took the job because it enabled you to work part time so you could enjoy your hobbies. We discussed it at length and I was proud to be able to give you the life you wanted too.

I loved the job, I loved the people and I loved the responsibility. I met loads of very interesting people and tried to share my enthusiasm with you. You had no interest. Every day turned into a battle to try and make you happy. You resented my job, you resented my friendships at work and you accused me endlessly of sleeping with every male I ever mentioned in conversation. I told myself to just go with it as I didn’t want to rock the boat, for the sake of our two children.

You never let me attend any work social occasions, and you would phone me 4 or 5 times a day to check where I was and who I was with. My boss would ask if I was okay… I would always say yes… you were a bit insecure I would say, but I didn’t want to rock the boat.

You attended a couple of social events with me, and each time the evening ended up with you shouting and screaming at me for being too friendly with the males.

My work friends would often question me about you, but I always supported you, even though I knew it wasn’t normal behaviour.

You hacked into my email account one day, believing you would find incriminating evidence of an affair, but there was nothing. You checked my phone every night when I came home. One day I had deleted all my text messages in error and you threatened to leave me because you could not trust me. You stood there and smashed my phone to pieces – in front of the children.

If I ever arrived home 5 minutes later than expected you would throw my dinner at me. You said I had no respect for you and had no regard for the children.

Through all these months and years, I took it all from you. I still loved my job. It was the one thing in my life that kept me going apart from the joy of our children. It was the only place I could be myself (apart from the times when you would just turn up and sit in my office for an hour or so, watching me, watching anyone that came into my office, listening to any phone calls I had).

Out of work I had nothing of my own. Every waking minute was spent with the children. I was not allowed to go anywhere without them. Even when I took them shopping with me you would check each and every shop receipt so you could piece together my time to ensure there were no gaps where I could have seen someone.

Every evening was spent in silence because I was not allowed to talk about my work or anything that indicated that I may have been enjoying time without you being there with me. I was then accused of keeping things from you. A whole vicious circle had emerged.

Then one day, I opened up my email to find a message from a guy that went to the same school as me. I cannot remember how he got my email address, and although we did not know each other at school, we knew the same people. We exchanged a few emails in coming weeks, all innocent, telling each other about our lives. I opened up to him and he soon made it clear to me that what I was experiencing was emotional bullying. He told me that it was unacceptable behaviour. I had never considered that I could do anything about it. After all, one failed marriage behind me had already made me a failure (your words), and everyone in the family would be so mad at me if I didn't make this marriage work (your words).

My new email buddy explained to me that I didn't have to have this life and it was up to me to do something about it. He opened my eyes to the wider picture and helped me to build up the courage to do something positive. He chatted with me on the phone and, with no ulterior motive, persuaded me, that for the sake of my own sanity, I had to rock the boat.

It was a boat that I was about to rock in the biggest way possible.

I’d had enough. I had no confidence left, I looked a mess, I was miserable, my soul mate had turned into an insecure bully and it was time to get out.

I rented a house, packed a few clothes, picked the children up from school and I left. You protested, you blamed me for all the problems and you followed me everywhere to see if you could catch me with someone.

The day I moved into my little cottage with my two children and a suitcase goes down as one of the happiest days of my life! I’d finally rocked the boat and was jumping into the sea and swimming far, far away.

I hate you for what you did to me. You broke my heart.